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discouraged

have you ever wrote a post you were proud of..
and then deleted it? 

repeated that six or seven times that week,
and always wished you could get certain words out
to those who could possibly relate to you
but feared it...
so you failed to post it? 

welcome to the life of yours truly.

as i sit here and reflect,
the only word that comes to mind that i can 
possibly explicitly state to my readers is that

i am confused.

i never had a problem with my self esteem growing up.
yes yes, the typical girl insecurities were most definitely visible.

however, 
i have never felt the way i do right now.
it's not my self esteem.
it is deeper than that.

after graduating high school,
i thought i knew who i was.

throughout my first two years of college,
i experienced crazy roller coaster rides.
but boy did i learn life lessons i wouldn't dare take back.

i am now married to a man i love with all of my heart.
he loves me with all he has.
i literally have everything a girl could ask for.

yet i find myself asking daily,
"is this the person you want to be?" 
the answer is always no.

i have so much to work on. 
we all do.
but isn't it time to become the girl people love you for? 

from negative attitudes, stress, and paranoia,
i have had trouble finding that girl again. 

i believe i have made a few people upset with me these past few months.
i am sure of it.
i am positive of it.
90% of them have been due to my sarcasm 
as well as me not thinking before i speak.
not cool.
seriously...not cool whatsoever.

life has been throwing me around lately.
curveballs for sure.
especially with not being treated very nicely in the work field.

my friend bethany posted this quote that inspired me
to actually post my feelings tonight.
it definitely spoke to me.

"If you are discouraged about your appearance, it will help to see yourself through the eyes of those who love you. Hidden beauty seen by loved ones can become a mirror for self-improvements. This phenomenon of the person internalizing the expectations of others with subsequent positive change has become known as the Pygmalion effect, after the famous play in which the “guttersnipe,” Eliza Dolittle, becomes the refined My Fair Lady. The beauty was always there; Eliza only needed help from others to discover it."
-Elder Robbins

now i'm asking myself, 
"in the eyes of those who love me,
do they see good? 
or do they wish i was different?" 



it's definitely a pondering thinking kind of night for me.
and i determinedly want to strive to become the girl i deserve to become.

on a completely opposite side note:
i caved. i started a facebook page.
it would be fabulous if you could like it!
click here. 
wahoo! 

17 comments

  1. I loved reading this post. From the little I know about you, you seem like an amazing woman. Don't let other people get you down, just do your best to be yourself :) And I am always around if you need anyone to talk to.

    sjdmiller.blogspot.com

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  2. I think that we ALL feel like this sometimes. I often find myself wondering who am I really. I think they key is to just have confidence and love yourself which is definitely hard to do.

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  3. This is a very, brave, real post. It is so reflective and a question that all of us need to ask ourselves. But I also think it's good to remember that you'll always be a "work in progress" and that's ok. That's where I've landed otherwise I'll focus on all of my shortcomings.

    I'm now following your blog as I love reflective blogs and "real" people.

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  4. I feel you on this right now. I've been feeling down for a few days now. Boo. And if I asked myself if this is the person I want to be...the answer would DEFINITELY be no! So why is it so hard to become the person we DO want to be? *sigh* I hope you figure it out. I don't "know" you well at all...but I will can say that I like who you are. None of us is perfect, that's for sure, but there's always room for improvement. And I love that quote that you put up there...trouble is, right now I don't know that I believe others think that much of me.

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  5. thank you for being so transparent. I totally know how you feel, i go through the same "insecurity" every once and a while when i look at who I am and realize it's not who I want to be. But keep your head up, you'll find her!

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  6. This post is so lovely. i am thankful you had the courage to finally post what you're thinking. it's posts like this that make me love the blog world--because you're willing to be vulnerable and let us relate to you on a real level. Thank you for that.

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  7. hi this is a random question but how did you get that tool on the top left column of your blog that when u click on it it sends you to a different page ,like about us?

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  8. I'm glad that you found the courage to post this. Not everyone is always this honest, and it's something worth admiring.

    I hope you find whatever makes you sparkle, soon. I find september to be a challenging month, and I can't quite pinpoint why. I just don't feel like me. Good luck and keep your chin up :-)

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  11. I've been through this and my advice is to serve and put God first, because when you do all things fall into their proper place and your self confidence increases. AS with the aunts and uncles you think you've offended just serve them and by doing this your love for them grows and t heir love for you grows. I've been through this and it's hard but possible, good luck :)

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  13. hey cute girl, I think I published the previous post twice, sorry

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  14. Isn't it funny how much the advisary works at us when we make such good choices. I know this first year of my marriage has been such a trial of my self esteem... It is weird because I have a loving man and a good marriage... Maybe it is just the drastic change from being single to married you kind of have to redefine your self

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  15. Lovely girl,
    I would love for you to feel good about you now and all time! Even if it means writing a little self-reflecting post here and there. write it, draft it, ponder on it, and post it when the time is right. Sometimes I post after the pieces in my life have fallen into place and I can then reflect on what was happening to me then.

    On another note, put yourself first! Take care of yourself and do things that will make you feel good. Protect yourself from the bad things and focus on the good.

    Take it from the girl who has been "tied down" for over 10 yrs (I married my high school sweetheart 5 yrs ago). He has seen me through ups and downs as well as through the changes we have gone together. I later learned that it is always important to take care of me first though. So no matter what you are learning about yourself, listen to your thoughts carefully and talk to him or someone else about it.

    I have faith you'll see this through!
    xo

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  16. I.REALLY.NEEDED.THIS.BLOG! Thank you so much for posting this. This sounds just like me right now. I'm struggling and I am SO glad that I found this blog through a pinterest post. I will definitely be checking back often!

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  17. I.REALLY.NEEDED.THIS.BLOG! Thank you so much for posting this. This sounds just like me right now. I'm struggling and I am SO glad that I found this blog through a pinterest post. I will definitely be checking back often!

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