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An almost faith crisis

Write. Erase. Write. Remove a paragraph. Write. Erase the entire novel. Eh, it's been going on for a good hour. Sometime, I'll make some progress with what my mind is trying to say. This is a post that is going to be a little raw, a little emotional (maybe, if I don't delete that part), and perhaps even confusing to people who aren't members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I think everyone goes through their ups and downs, right? It's totally ordinary, and fairly typical. As I've been warned and cautioned a countless amount of times these past few months, this world is under attack. Even more terrifying, marriages and families are under attack. I can't even begin to describe the alarming experiences I have recently had to confirm this.

Where am I going with this post? Ah, right. Just venting it all out. Continue.

The last 5-6 years or so, I've noticed people in my life who were so strong in the LDS church to completely fall away. Not only are they just not a practicing "Mormon" anymore, they are entirely anti-Mormon and maybe even anti-Christian. I have seen this happen to countless people around me. Each time I see or hear about it, my heart breaks a little bit more.

Why was this happening? How could something that is so comforting and beautiful be causing so many people to leave? Not only that, but 100% of the people in my life this happened to were so angry. They were contention-causers. And their Facebook, Snapchat, and blog posts only consisted of endless rants of attacking the Christian people. I could not stop thinking...What. Is. Freaking. Going. On.

As most people usually go through, I got in the awful habit of not praying and not reading my scriptures. I didn't really attend all of my meetings and I was totally just chilling on the teeter totter. Dangerous waters, my friends. 

One day, I walked into my room, I nearly collapsed, and I cried out to God. "Will you tell me if this is true? Why is everyone leaving? People I absolutely love and people who are so smart are leaving. Why is this happening?" You guys, I was totally being a drama queen. I was bawling. I was a blobbery little basket case. Giggling while typing this only because I was soooo dramatic.

But then, the Spirit told me it was true. I felt nothing but peace and comfort. And that was it. 

And then some topic came up within my church that I didn't agree with. It made me angry. Then I prayed about it. And I was like, "Heavenly Father. What the crap! Why?!"

But then, the Spirit told me it was true. I felt nothing but peace and comfort. And that was it.

Then the church released a statement that made me question literally everything. It made me question whether or not I had been brainwashed from the start (that's what all the anti-Mormons say what happens to those who grow up in the gospel). It made me want to give up and be done. Quit. Move. Start over. I remember the whole drive home from one of my friends house, being sooo nervous to talk to Trevor and explain that I wasn't sure what was true anymore. I talked to him. He took me by the hand, and we prayed.

Then, the Spirit told me it was true. I felt nothing but peace and comfort. And that was it. 

Remember when there was an annoying amount of quotes going around from one of the LDS general conferences? Doubt your doubts, guys! Doubt them! I swear that saying was haunting me in my sleep. I thought it was, you know, a fine statement. But everyone was having a cow over how great that statement was. And I didn't understand. Until recently.

We&Serendipity: Doubt your Doubts

Allowing ridiculous and far-fetched ideas into my head, that would eventually allow me to doubt my faith were tearing me apart. They were truly destroying me. I've never felt so depressed. So lost. So utterly hopeless. BUT YOU GUYS. I PRAYED. I prayed to Heavenly Father. And I asked him, genuinely wanting to know. Then, I felt nothing but peace and comfort. And that. was. it.

If you're going through a faith crisis, or about to, I'm not even sure this blog post would make sense to you. Because like I said, I'm doing a fabulous job at blabbering. But there are 4 things that truly made me realize that this is the true church. 4 things I wish everybody would do prior to doubting that unshakable faith of theirs.

1. If you don't want it to be true, it won't be. If you're constantly seeking for excuses, accusations, reasons the Book of Mormon couldn't be true, or other nonsensical nonsense, then you are going to find exactly that. Your mind is a genius, folks. And if you're talking yourself out of something, or telling yourself it isn't true, then voila! That is exactly what you will find.

2. Most people don't deeply understand the definition of faith. They are too caught up in historical and physical proof. People are constantly seeking reasons for it not being true. They lack faith. They can't obtain faith because they are stubborn.

When people are seeking physical proof, this is when you know they lack faith. If we had proof of everything, we would all be perfect humans. There would be no point.

Wondering how to identify, develop, and utilize strong faith? You're in luck! Because I wrote a post about it once. You can find it here. 

Truly, I think we all struggle with faith from time to time. Obviously, I did, otherwise, I wouldn't be jabbering.

3. Pray. This is such a simple task to do. Because if you just read people's "awful experiences with the Mormon church" or other things that may not even be true, you're going to start doubting that awesome faith of yours. Just pray. A man cannot prove to you God is real. God can only reveal to you what is true. So just pray. Sincerely, and ask.

4. Lastly, the attacks from those I love once used to be hurtful. But now, they are just proof to me that what I'm doing is right. The anger some of these people have inside of their hearts is gut-wrenching and unreal.

The truth is going to be attacked.
And it will be attacked more than any other truth out there in the world.
It is part of the test.

Though I used to get offended by these types of 'shares' people were hatefully creating, I get a firm confirmation each time I see something like that. What I'm living is true. What I know is true. And nothing will change that for me, regardless of how many downs I experience.

Why? Well, because the Spirit tells me it's true. And that's it. 

5 comments

  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have been feeling this exact way, and I am glad I am not crazy. I see more and more people leaving, and I am always wondering why? If so many people are leaving, then should I be? It's hard when you keep hearing the negatives, but at the same time remember all the times you've felt the spirit. It's good to hear that someone else has been having those feelings; I really do need to get back into my habit of scripture reading, I am sure that will help. Thanks, again, for the post. :)

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  2. Allison - You are DEFINITELY not alone. You're amazing, so hang in there!

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  3. "For 179 years this book has been examined and attacked, denied and deconstructed, targeted and torn apart like perhaps no other book in modern religious history—perhaps like no other book in any religious history. And still it stands. Failed theories about its origins have been born and parroted and have died—from Ethan Smith to Solomon Spaulding to deranged paranoid to cunning genius. None of these frankly pathetic answers for this book has ever withstood examination because there is no other answer than the one Joseph gave as its young unlearned translator. In this I stand with my own great-grandfather, who said simply enough, “No wicked man could write such a book as this; and no good man would write it, unless it were true and he were commanded of God to do so.” — Jeffrey R. Holland

    This is a beautiful post Amanda. I really loved it!

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    1. That quote you shared by Holland has changed my life. It's amazing!!!! Thanks for sharing, Ashley.

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  4. I can relate to this. It tears me apart when people I look up to leave the church. I have at time let it get to me and I allow darkness into my life. The same darkness that drives those people away. But light is always stronger than darkness, and will always be the conqueror. True, genuine, tested faith is the best kind of faith and I'm grateful to have it. Also grateful to read about your faith testing experience.

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