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Why we don't have kids


May we all take a moment and stare at this picture until we can’t take the cuteness anymore? This is my nephew on Halloween. Pictures and moments like these, make me stop for a second and say, “Trev! Let’s make one of those. He's too darn adorable!” Putting all of that aside, I decided to write about WHY we don’t have kids yet. I’ve wrote like 10 posts and then deleted them simply because I don’t want to offend anyone, or have anyone disagree and then yell at me. Per contra, this is my own little tiny space of the internet and I feel like I can do what I want with it, even if it’s speaking my mind.

For the past couple of months, I’ve heard, “When are you having kids?” “Are you pregnant yet?” “Why haven’t you started trying for kids yet?” countless times. Almost every day, to be honest (without exaggeration). The questions don’t bother me. But here’s the thing. WE JUST AREN’T HAVING KIDS right now. I’m not sure if the reason we are getting this so much is because we live in Utah, and most people have their kids within two years, but we just aren’t. And I have quite a huge list of WHY.

Trevor and I love kids. WE adore them. Our nieces and nephews are our most favorite thing ever, and there’s always the staring and playing with babies in sacrament in church. And we are very thrilled to start our own family someday. I am 21 years young. And Trevor is 24. Both of us have quite a bit of growing up to do, learning about ourselves and each other, and more experiences to have. I have so much respect for young women who start having kids at this age, and don’t see anything wrong with it. However, in my own personal life, right now is just not the time. I remember my freshman year, I was getting serious with a guy and I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married quite yet. I was 17 years old. I talked with my bishop and he said, "Here's the thing you really need to take to heart. You need to sit down and think, "Am I ready to close this chapter?" There are so many new things that come with marriage. Are you ready for a new chapter?" There was my answer. I was NOT ready. I still needed to date. I still needed to learn WHO I WAS. And right now, I'm not ready to close this chapter. I'm still living comfortably in my life and so extremely happy.

I want to graduate college. Do you know how many people call me selfish after I explain this to them? I am 21 YEARS YOUNG. Well, people, call me selfish if you will, but I want to finish school. I want to get a degree. It’s been a dream of mine since I even knew what college was. Just because I want to graduate college doesn’t mean I want to have a career instead of a baby. Who says I can’t have a stay-at-home working career and a baby? I have a plan. Trust me.

Health issues. For the first year and a half, I struggled with some pretty tough stuff that was very hard on me and my marriage. To me, we weren’t like every other married couple because of these struggles. We learned a lot from them and had to face them with love and faith. 

Time with Mr. Schroeder. Every single couple (and I mean every one) with children tells me, “Wait a little longer. Cherish that time with your husband. Because you will never get it back.” We want to be spontaneous and live it up before kids decide to grace us with their presence. My sister said, “It’s true. Your life really is over when you have kids.” Well, people. I am taking that to heart.

The timing. When people usually ask the question I say, “Well, it’s in the Lord’s hands!” As many of you know, I’m not on birth control because of a blood disorder that runs in my family. So if this pregnancy thing happens, then I will be super happy and I won’t be sad whatsoever! But it doesn’t mean we are trying.


Moral of the story? It doesn’t necessarily hurt my feelings when people ask me questions about kids, because it’s normal! It’s part of life! That is WHY we are here. But when people start calling me selfish, telling me I need to put kids before my education, giving me a guilt trip about how we get married to have kids, and being completely rude about it, I want to smack them. I truly wish people could hear my answer, completely respect it, and understand that babies within 24 months of marriage isn’t for everybody. ESPECIALLY when they are 21 years young.  End rant.

30 comments

  1. Wait! Oh my gosh, just wait and keep doing what you are doing!
    We had our baby 7 months into our marriage (obviously not on purpose), and I REALLY wish that I could've had more time just me and my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby boy to pieces and can't imagine my life without him. But sometimes I just wish I could have had the EXACT same baby just a couple years down the road.
    A baby really does change the whole dynamic of your relationship, everything is for them now, and in the process you forget about you and your husband. And trust me, school work and a kid is not easy and not fun.
    I always tell people who are thinking about having a baby that you will never fully be ready, there will always be a reason to wait. But that is between you, your husband, and Heavenly Father, no one else. And when that time comes, that baby will make you so happy, you don't know how you lived without it before. Seriously girl, you're young and don't have a baby, this is your time to be selfish.

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  2. Girrrrrrrrrl. I couldn't agree more. My husband is 24 & I'll be 24 in December. We get it ALL THE TIME. The questions, like you said, don't bother me. But the little comments after I say we're waiting do sting a bit. "Don't wait too long." "You'll be too tired to chase after them." Blah blah blah. We want to travel and enjoy our time together! I don't want to give that up just yet. I don't want to rush into having babies when I, myself, have so much more to learn & experience. When we DO have kids, I want to be able to say that I lived a great life BEFORE having them. Call me selfish too. IDC! :) lol.

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  3. You wrote this so well! Do people not get that you are 21? You still have like 20 years of fertility! What is the rush?? I was talking to my mom about this the other day and she said, I figured I wanted x amount of kids and I had until I was x years old to do it. I had plenty of time! What was the difference between having them now or starting in 5 years? So that is exactly what she did. She had my older brother after she had been married 5 years and that is perfectly fine. I'll have kids when Tim, myself, and the Lord feel like it is right. Not because of people pestering me.I think it is awesome you want to finish college first. That was my thought exactly! There are a lot of moms in my classes and they can only take like 3 credits a semester so I am thankful I can load up and finish quickly. Anyways I'll stop but just know I totally support you!!

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  4. I think every single one of your reasons makes sense! When I got married, I was almost 23 and I was determined to wait until I graduated school (which is still three years away...) but the older I get and the more Joe and I have been together, the more I feel like that, like I'm ready to close that chapter of my life, and at the same time, I love having our freedom to go whenever and do whatever!

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  5. I love everything about this post! The decision to have a baby is such a huge and personal one. A decision that should be made between you, your husband and the Lord. You're right, your life changes DRASTICALLY when you decide to have a little one. We love our Little E so much and we waited. We waited for him so that we could grow as a couple and live our lives together before children. Now that we have him, since we were ready for the next chapter, we couldn't imagine life without him. This is our life now and it feels right. We had some fertility struggles getting pregnant with him so we were blessed with a whole extra year together...a time that was VERY hard emotionally but a time that I cherish more than ever! Keep doing what you're doing. You will know when the time is right. It is in no way selfish and thank you so much for sharing this! :)

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  6. Thank you for putting this out there! People need to read this and take it to heart! My husband and I are LDS and have been married for 2 years and don't have kids! I get questions everyday and it gets old! I think there are a lot of things that come into play when planning to have kids and those things aren't the same for every couple! I think that the important thing to remember is that this is a big decision between you, your spouse and the lord! No one else matters!

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  7. I love this! Not married yet, but the boyfriend and I talk about our waiting time... might even be 4-6 years before kids! we want to enjoy married life first :)

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  8. it's a total Mormon thing. sometimes it's annoying. but i totally understand. a few months after i had B, people started asking if we were going to have more, or when we're having another. i feel like it's kind of personal. not really anyone's business but ours. whenever people asked me, I just said whenever God decides to give us one, we'll have one.
    but life for sure isn't over when you have kids. life as you know it, may be over. but life is amazing, rewarding, sweet, trying-at-times, and priceless with kids. you have plenty of time. :)

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  9. Im so proud of you for being honest about this. There is nothing selfish about waiting and completing school or building your marriage and making sure you are prepared for that moment when you become mom. You are awesome!

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  10. Meh, you'll have kids when you're ready! To be frank and honest, if we didn't have Gracie, we wouldn't have kiddo's right now. Maybe in the next year or so, but not right now. But we do and shes awesome and I wouldn't change anything!!! But you know what I mean ;) Enjoy being young and being married without a tiny human relying on you :) <3 When you're ready you will be great at it, I just know it!

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  11. I agree with you! It is really hard for people to understand sometimes that its your life and that you can do what you want and what they say can't change anything. Kids are a big change. When I got off birth control in the spring we had the same mind set that you do. If we get pregnant great, if not great! It will happen when its time. And I look at my miscarriage as a chance that Jake and I got to grow closer together. Live your life. I love that you don't take any crap from anyone and that you just live your life the way you want! Keep it up because its your life, not anyone else's!

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  12. Girllll you know I totally support this. Its definitely a bigger thing in Utah than anywhere else. Only people in our ward ask us that, and very few still ask. It's annoying though because its none of their business. I totally support waiting til you are ready. I mean I would wait 10 years, but really I'll just wait til the Lord tells me I'm ready. I think its important to live your life a bit before you have kids, so you can learn and be able to teach them. Spend the valuable time with your husband before you don't have it again, that's what I'm looking forward to once things slow down a bit. You'll never get it back until you're too old. And in the end who really knows, maybe you will get pregnant before you "want" or maybe you won't, but either way its your choice and your life so it shouldn't matter. I figure I'm good with whatever, maybe we will have trouble getting pregnant, maybe we won't, maybe i will get to adopt a beautiful child. Who knows because I don't, only time will tell. Whenever people would ask me I would just make them feel guilty saying "Oh do you think I look pregnant, you think I'm fat?" works like a charm.

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  13. yay for factor v! (not, haha)

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  14. loved reading this post--you have very plausible reasons for not wanting kids right now. but even if you didn't, i hope you never feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone. the timing of when to start a family is so personal and based on personal revelation.

    my husband & i aren't planning on starting a family for several more years. & although it hurts my heart the tiniest bit to see my friends get pregnant and hold these precious little babies, i know we are doing what's right for us. and (i think) that waiting to have kids, & doing it the right way for you, will make you treasure it SO much MORE when it is the right timing.

    thanks for writing this, and as always, you're a DOLL.

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  15. Good for you, Amanda! I am so with you. As much as I love kids there is no way I'm ready for them at 21! I'm not married yet and will wait until I am but even then I want to be married for AT LEAST two years before having kids. Time alone with your husband won't happen for a very long time once kids enter the picture. Also, I think it's great that you want to get your degree first. I feel like it would be very hard to go back to school after having kids. I will never put my career before my family, but I still want the degree because it will help me in the long run and for those times that my family needs me financially.

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  16. Gosh! I'm in the SAME boat!!! Everyone and their dog always asks me those question and it drives me nuts!

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  17. I agree with your sister.... your life does end! in a good way though. :) i tell all our recently married friends to wait.... don't get me wrong, i love our little Olive but it would have been nice to have a little more time with my hubby!! write about whatever you want, and say what you want! :) people need to realize if they want to voice their opinions then you CAN too!

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  18. Do ya'lls thing first and do what ya'll are doing and be ready to have kids when you're truly ready. Not when everyone feels like you're ready to have them. Heck I will be 30 in a mth today and still have no kids of my own and i'm still waiting on Mr. Right

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  19. It's like you wrote the post I was too scared to write myself---we've been married 2.5 years now (to the day, actually), and we're both 27. You'd better BELIEVE that we get asked too since we're both fellow Utahns as well.

    The fact is, I want to be happy about the timing of our baby and I want to be overjoyed that that chapter of my life has started. If I got pregnant now, I would just feel stressed out and probably kinda depressed. I know not all my reasons are pure (I know I need to work on being more selfless), but in the end, I hope that by waiting, I can one day give my kids more because I waited until I was more ready for them.

    http://autodidacticambitions.blogspot.com

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  20. I absolutely loved this post! I think it's ridiculous that people think it's selfish to put education over babies. I really liked the chapter analogy as well. In the words o my fiancé, "Let's get a hedgehog. When it dies, maybe then we'll have kids. Only if it lives a long time though."

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  21. I love this post. I couldn't agree more! My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years, and we don't have kids. I have never gotten any questions or comments about us having kids, but we've never lived in Utah, so that's probably why :) If I ever did get someone asking me or making rude comments, it wouldn't be pretty! haha.

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  22. I'm the exact same way! I want to get my degree first, plus Brady is going to med-school so we need to pray and plan. I love all of your reasons, and I relate to most of them. Sometimes it is hard because I JUST WANT A FREAKING CUTE BABY TO SNUGGLE THAT IS MINE, but then I remember, my time will come, and having one right after being married, isn't for everyone.

    Thanks for sharing.
    xoxo

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  23. Good for you! Choosing when to have kids is a completely personal decision and frankly it is none of anyone else's business. I think you are wise for wanting to complete your education, cross off some of those things on your bucket list, enjoy your husband, etc. For me, wanting kids started as a little whisper and then grew to a full blown yell: I knew it was time. I was 25. It was good timing for my husband and me. And you will have your own family story. It will be fun to see what it is! I think the only time couples are being truly selfish is when they choose not to have kids at all.

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  24. Sorry I am catching up on your blog and I came across this and I shout a loud AMEN.

    Time with the hubster is so important right now. Who wants to share them with anyone for a while. Plus you get to build that relationship before kids come so your foundation is rock solid. I know some people arent bothered by the Why dont you have kids question. I think for people like me that is a sensitive subject. Not every woman gets the pleasure of getting preggers right away. Some struggle and its kinda salt in the wounds. But right now with work, and schoold, and life you are doing your kids a favor by prepping for them. Finding stability and solice and bringing them into a happy home. A home where they can grow up knowing and seeing mom and dad really love eachother. There is no reason to rush. And if kids are blessed with you here you will have another chance in another life. Thank you cutie I enjoy these posts.

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  25. Odd, i have never been asked "when are you having kids". haha. I have been asked by new acquaintances if the misses and i have children. haha.

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  26. we are both 21? really? what? are you sure? sometimes i feel you are much older than me with all your beauty and wisdom and stuff.

    you rock my socks off.

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  27. I don't think finishing college is selfish at all - I knew I wanted to finish college before having kids too so that's one of the big reasons we haven't had kids. Time with your husband is so important at first, you both need to grow together and just be before kids come along ;)

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  28. 21. You're so young. People have already started bugging colten and I. I"m like whoa chill! We've known each other 8 months now, we don't need babies yet. Trust me, I want a few. But I've got a good 20 years of child bearing ahead of me ;)

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  29. Me and you girl have alot in common! I am not having kids with my man even after we marry. The thing is we want to enjoy each other like you said. I think having kids changes people. For most in really good way but for me and my bfs parents, the change was BAD. We both have baggage to work out as well. And I have health issues, too. Now top that with I have a special needs brother that I plan on taking care of when my mother can't. So yeah, Im waiting til WAY later or not at all.
    You rock it girl and truly enjoy your freedom.

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  30. I know this is an old post, but I wanted to say that I can totally relate. We have one kid, who was born when I was 21 (husband was 24 - we got married at 20 and 23). If I could go back and do it all over, I would delay having him. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready AT ALL. So Toby is now 6 years old, and because we live in Utah again, we constantly get asked when we are having #2, or where #2 is. When I was pregnant, I got so sick that a hole formed in my heart. I was told by one of the top high-risk-pregnancy-specialist-doctors in the nation that I had a 80% chance of dying if I got pregnant again. So we opted to get me sterilized. I lost my baby-making parts at age 24 (and that part was awesome - hallelujah for hysterectomies!) and sometimes I get sad and want another baby. But Toby is like, 4 kids in one body, so it works out. Anyway. Hang in there.

    OH! And ABSOLUTELY get your degree before you have kids, yo! It's so much harder after! Like seriously - I couldn't go back to school until Toby was in preschool (at age 5) because we couldn't afford daycares, and I had to squish my school hours during the 3 hours he was in school every day, and I am so looking forward to next semester because Toby will be in first grade so I will have from 8-3 to go to school rather than from 8-11. Woo hoo!!! But yeah, point is, getting a degree post children is extremely difficult in ways I had never even considered. And having a kid at all is difficult in ways I never considered. If you feel it's right to wait, then wait. Ain't nobody's call but your own.

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