This particular topic is a hard one for me to write. I don't like the topic of inadequacy. Who does? Nobody likes to feel completely alone. Nobody likes to feel inadequate in any subject. For me, I feel ridiculously inadequate with school. I always have. It's interesting; because,well, I view myself as a fairly smart person. In elementary school, I always exceeded other students. I was constantly getting rewarded for going above and beyond. Junior high came and went, and then high school was upon me. More than ever, I took tests. A lot of tests. And tests mattered.
Now. I'm not entirely sure if I suffer from text anxiety, but that's what I have blamed it on up to this point. A teacher will teach. We will receive assignments. The majority of the time, I understand the whole assignment and get an A (MAYBE an A-) on it. But when the test comes, I fail. Every single time. Whether or not I spent 8 hours studying or none. If I understand 100% of the material and my study guides are looking super fancy (and like I know what I"m doing), I will still fail my tests. What can one do about this situation? Not much.
I have found myself feeling so ridiculously inadequate about schooling that I don't event want to go. I firmly believe that a college education is not for everyone. But on the flip side of things, I shouldn't say that college isn't for me because I can't test. It has always been a real struggle for me, and where testing is a massive portion in college, I will be happy if I even pass the class by 0.1%. Because that means I passed. That means I am moving forward. And that is enough.
This week, I have been taking a couple of Math refresher courses because it's been two years since I took college statistics. The teacher said something that struck me. Suddenly, I felt SO confident for the first time in my life. Even though she was talking specifically about math, I took more of it into consideration about my college career. She said something to the extent of, "Don't look at the whole picture and wonder how you're going to get there. Don't look at all the things you can't do because you won't be able to do them right now. Look at all of the things you will be ABLE to do and who you will be ABLE to become. Don't cross the hurdles you aren't able to yet." Yes. Yes. Yes. Because of THIS, I know I want to go on. I want to finish my college career. I may be 3-4 years behind the rest of my friends, but that doesn't matter. Comparison is the thief of joy. And I won't be rolling that way!
So! This is going to be a SUPER rough few years. But it's just a small fraction of the rest of my life. It'll do me more good than I can imagine. And I'm really eager to see all I am capable of doing.