8 things I'm afraid to tell you

I have really loved relating to my readers recently. I have received countless emails that are extremely supportive and sweet. It  makes me super happy to know that there are individuals out there who relate to me as well as appreciate me being completely open, honest, and raw. I recently read this post. I was intrigued. I think the main reason is simply because so many individuals put on a facade. Especially online. It's easy to do so, too! It's so much easier to share the triumphs and amazing happenings in your life rather than the tough stuff. But I have also learned that opening up, and allowing myself to be utterly vulnerable...will actually help me in the end. There are pretty harsh individuals out there who like to belittle people, but for the most part, I have some really really supportive readers that I love and appreciate so much. So here it goes. Here's a list of things I'm afraid to tell people. They are things I might be ashamed of, or things I'm simply embarrassed over. Either way, I"m hoping comments are nice. If you're an individual that struggles with being nice, maybe this will give you the opportunity to have "being nice" as a new years resolution. win win, right?

1. I am absolutely terrified to have children. As much as I love them, I'm so scared. I'm afraid that I won't be a good mother, that I won't know how to let my current selfishness go. I see all of my friends with babies and think that they look like a natural. But me? I feel so extremely inadequate. And I'm scared I won't be able to do it.

2. I dated somebody who I haven't been able to forgive. I always tell my mom, "I forgive him, I just resent him." Well, if I forgave him, I wouldn't resent him anymore. At this point, I blame myself. I wish I could forgive and let go, but it's actually really really hard to forgive someone when they did so much damage to your soul. 

3. I struggle with anxiety. Okay, let me rephrase that. I really really struggle with anxiety.

4. Pornography is my biggest fear. I'm so so grateful that my husband doesn't have a problem with it. However, I have seen it destroy many lives around me. I feel like I'm overly cautious when it comes to technology products, having crazy amounts of safety programs installed on there, and updating it whenever possible. Nowadays, you don't go looking for evil, evil comes looking for you. 

5.  I will probably be kicking myself for posting this part, but an ex of Trevor's really bothers me. I have no jealousy harbored in me whatsoever. Per contra, this particular girl tends to talk to his family after every photo posted, after every status, every little thing. She wrote this on my sister-in-laws status & I saw it a couple of months ago, "I want to come visit you when I'm in Arizona!" I mean, I think it's fine to keep in touch or whatever. That part doesn't bother me a bit. But this girl is married....with a child. Don't you think her husband would think it's totally weird to go visit her ex's sister while they're on vacation? I don't know. It drives me insane simply because it's almost like she never let him go. (I suppose I wouldn't either. He is pretty great, after all.) I'm always scared to write about her on here, because I don't like to gossip. But I had to get this one out.

6. I am ridiculously introverted. I didn't realize it until I read all of the differences between extroverted and introverted people. I know it's not a huge deal, but it really bothers me. I hate when I'm in a group of people, and I'm so quiet. I can't be the loud and obnoxious one there. I just sit there, and not say much until someone strikes up a conversation with me. I have no idea why I'm that way, but I suppose it's just a part of me I need to learn to embrace.

7. I probably cry once a week. I usually cry about missing a special someone who is in heaven right now. I also cry tears of happiness when I think too much about my life. I firmly believe that if you cry once a week, it's a healthy thing. Weird? Maybe.

8. I actually don't have a #8, I just have a weird OCD about odd numbers. I don't like them. So, I had to finish up on an even.

Aaahh. This feels super good to get off my chest because each of these are pretty scary in my eyes. Yes yes, I just published all of fears to the inter webs, which makes it even more scary...(refer to number 3). Also, happy new years eve. I hope everybody parties hard tonight, but stays safe too! 
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