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8 things I'm afraid to tell you

I have really loved relating to my readers recently. I have received countless emails that are extremely supportive and sweet. It  makes me super happy to know that there are individuals out there who relate to me as well as appreciate me being completely open, honest, and raw. I recently read this post. I was intrigued. I think the main reason is simply because so many individuals put on a facade. Especially online. It's easy to do so, too! It's so much easier to share the triumphs and amazing happenings in your life rather than the tough stuff. But I have also learned that opening up, and allowing myself to be utterly vulnerable...will actually help me in the end. There are pretty harsh individuals out there who like to belittle people, but for the most part, I have some really really supportive readers that I love and appreciate so much. So here it goes. Here's a list of things I'm afraid to tell people. They are things I might be ashamed of, or things I'm simply embarrassed over. Either way, I"m hoping comments are nice. If you're an individual that struggles with being nice, maybe this will give you the opportunity to have "being nice" as a new years resolution. win win, right?


1. I am absolutely terrified to have children. As much as I love them, I'm so scared. I'm afraid that I won't be a good mother, that I won't know how to let my current selfishness go. I see all of my friends with babies and think that they look like a natural. But me? I feel so extremely inadequate. And I'm scared I won't be able to do it.

2. I dated somebody who I haven't been able to forgive. I always tell my mom, "I forgive him, I just resent him." Well, if I forgave him, I wouldn't resent him anymore. At this point, I blame myself. I wish I could forgive and let go, but it's actually really really hard to forgive someone when they did so much damage to your soul. 

3. I struggle with anxiety. Okay, let me rephrase that. I really really struggle with anxiety.

4. Pornography is my biggest fear. I'm so so grateful that my husband doesn't have a problem with it. However, I have seen it destroy many lives around me. I feel like I'm overly cautious when it comes to technology products, having crazy amounts of safety programs installed on there, and updating it whenever possible. Nowadays, you don't go looking for evil, evil comes looking for you. 

5.  I will probably be kicking myself for posting this part, but an ex of Trevor's really bothers me. I have no jealousy harbored in me whatsoever. Per contra, this particular girl tends to talk to his family after every photo posted, after every status, every little thing. She wrote this on my sister-in-laws status & I saw it a couple of months ago, "I want to come visit you when I'm in Arizona!" I mean, I think it's fine to keep in touch or whatever. That part doesn't bother me a bit. But this girl is married....with a child. Don't you think her husband would think it's totally weird to go visit her ex's sister while they're on vacation? I don't know. It drives me insane simply because it's almost like she never let him go. (I suppose I wouldn't either. He is pretty great, after all.) I'm always scared to write about her on here, because I don't like to gossip. But I had to get this one out.

6. I am ridiculously introverted. I didn't realize it until I read all of the differences between extroverted and introverted people. I know it's not a huge deal, but it really bothers me. I hate when I'm in a group of people, and I'm so quiet. I can't be the loud and obnoxious one there. I just sit there, and not say much until someone strikes up a conversation with me. I have no idea why I'm that way, but I suppose it's just a part of me I need to learn to embrace.

7. I probably cry once a week. I usually cry about missing a special someone who is in heaven right now. I also cry tears of happiness when I think too much about my life. I firmly believe that if you cry once a week, it's a healthy thing. Weird? Maybe.

8. I actually don't have a #8, I just have a weird OCD about odd numbers. I don't like them. So, I had to finish up on an even.

Aaahh. This feels super good to get off my chest because each of these are pretty scary in my eyes. Yes yes, I just published all of fears to the inter webs, which makes it even more scary...(refer to number 3). Also, happy new years eve. I hope everybody parties hard tonight, but stays safe too! 

27 comments

  1. We are so similar. Seriously. But what's new? Haha love you girl!

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  2. I have odd number OCD, too! Thanks for opening up and sharing! I think you can find that a lot of us share the same struggles as you (at least I can)!

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  3. 1, 4 & 6. I totally feel you on those! In the past few weeks, I've realized me wanting to wait to have kids is less about not being "ready" & more about me being terrified. All those what-if scenarios suck! And the porn thing, absolutely horrifying to me. Praise God, my husband doesn't entertain that type of garbo, but it's so easy to stumble onto in this day & age. And I'm the exact same way when I'm around people! But ever since I got a job at Target, I've come out of my shell big time (finally).

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  4. i love all of these! it's really great to see a not-perfect side of people when the blogging world is so full of everyone's good sides. thatnk you for sharing, this was a beautiful post.

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  5. This is a great idea for a post!! I think bloggers definitely need to be more real. I have anxiety too, and it's a definitely struggle. Glad to know I am not alone! Also having kids is scary, sometimes I want one now, and sometimes I am like AHHH TOO YOUNG.

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  6. Okay, so three things...
    1. I LOVE your new blog design. It's soooo cute! I really love it! :)
    2. All of your fears are fears that I and I'm pretty sure 90% of women share too.. I'm going to be a mom any day now and I'm scared out of my mind! I cry lots, anxiety.. crying.. yes yes and yes! So you aren't alone and you aren't the only one!
    3. Thanks for having such a fun and honest blog. I love reading. :)
    Carmina

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  7. I love this chick. and you're truly brave to do this and if others put you down for this blog. Then they have issues them selves that they are scared to admit. I think we all have issues like this. All females are scared to have kids. I"m scared I will get told I cant have kids b/c of what I heard an ex tell me for 7 yrs. and I do have a hard time forgiving and let alone forgetting. But I do forgive more easily than I can forget. I wish I could wipe 7 yrs of my mind out but I cant. its always there. and I cry at the drop of a pin. seriously...... and I miss our old chats. Email me.

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  8. I loved reading this, and I actually relate to a lot of them. #4 especially. I'm terrified for Joshua and for any of my future boys because of this world we live in. I just really hope I can instill in them the values and the faith that they will need to look away and come to me when they encounter it for the first time--because it will happen. That's just the world we live in. :(

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  9. This might be creepy, but I kind of love you....lol. I feel you on forgiving your ex; I have the same problem. It's even harder when my husband has forgiven him for the way he treated me.

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  10. I couldn't jump on this post fast enough! First, thank you for posting this and second, totally stealing this idea!! I completely agree with number one, I am terrified to start trying for kids. I don't want to be let down multiple times before I get my positive if I even get that.
    With # 7, I feel weird if I DONT cry at least once a week! So you're totally fine! ;)
    I think being open and truthful with posts from time to time is great. It shows your followers you're real and you too have struggles.

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  11. I couldn't jump on this post fast enough! First, thank you for posting this and second, totally stealing this idea!! I completely agree with number one, I am terrified to start trying for kids. I don't want to be let down multiple times before I get my positive if I even get that.
    With # 7, I feel weird if I DONT cry at least once a week! So you're totally fine! ;)
    I think being open and truthful with posts from time to time is great. It shows your followers you're real and you too have struggles.

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  12. You're adorable We're so alike in so many ways!! We have to do lunch sometime!! I completely agree with #2. In fact, I brought it up with someone last night for the first time in a long time. I try not to think about it often, but when I do, I feel angered because I'm not over it. It is so dumb but I relate. And obvi, we both know I relate with #3. Here for ya! I experienced #6 last night. I'm a very outgoing, happy and talkative person, but I often find myself SO quiet in so many situations it's crazy.

    I'm grateful for you opening up like this. It is so brave of you! Haha, maybe I'll do something like this in the future (cause I guess I'm not honest enough on my blog already ;) lol) but I think it's wonderful, and apparently everyone else does too!! happy new year xoxo

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  13. You're adorable We're so alike in so many ways!! We have to do lunch sometime!! I completely agree with #2. In fact, I brought it up with someone last night for the first time in a long time. I try not to think about it often, but when I do, I feel angered because I'm not over it. It is so dumb but I relate. And obvi, we both know I relate with #3. Here for ya! I experienced #6 last night. I'm a very outgoing, happy and talkative person, but I often find myself SO quiet in so many situations it's crazy.

    I'm grateful for you opening up like this. It is so brave of you! Haha, maybe I'll do something like this in the future (cause I guess I'm not honest enough on my blog already ;) lol) but I think it's wonderful, and apparently everyone else does too!! happy new year xoxo

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  14. okay so I wrote this really long comment and then it disappeared :( dumb.

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  15. oh my goodness i LOVE THIS. seriously...GO YOU! i hear you on quite a few of these! thanks for posting this, love. that is so cool.

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  16. I'm the exact same as you when you were explaining how you are in social gatherings. it has bothered me to but then I'm just like "eh there are enough extroverts in this world, i would be way too overwhelming if everybody was one!" haha. also I'm the same way with pornography! you are awesome amanda!!

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  17. Wow! I love this. The honesty is so real. And I can completely relate to a lot of them. Way to go.

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  18. So this is weird I don't ever say this to other bloggers but... Uh yeah I felt like you just exploited my brain to the world. Seriously this post gave me goosebumps... And thank you for posting this.. And we should be friends ok?! Ok :)

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  19. So this is kinda weird and I never say this to other bloggers but I seriously think you just exploited my brain to the world in this post! Like it gave me goosebumps... And I'm so glad you posted this... And I think we should be friends ok?! Ok :)

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  20. Yeah, I struggle with 1,2,3,6,7,8. You're awesome, thanks for sharing this!

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  21. I totally relate to all of these. Especially 1, 2 completely and 3.

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  22. Love you girlie! Thanks for sharing!!! even about the ex. but you got to admit, you won :) keep smilin. :)

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  23. you are the cutest! and when the time comes for you to have a baby... EPIDURAL haha it will save your life. also, yeah i definitely think we need to get together sometime soon :)

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  24. Just found your blog, hi! I've been mulling over putting into words on why my husband and I don't have kids yet, and was delighted to find your post. So often on blogs people are talking about when they chose to start trying for a baby, but most people don't blog about the before when they *aren't* ready, so it was refreshing to read your blog. Thanks for sharing.

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  25. This was so honest and really great to read. Many of your fears are mine too! Rely on hope, that's what I tell myself. And p.s. if the above post says anything about you, you're going to make a kick a** mama. :)

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  26. I seriously relate to so many of these it's amazing. You are going to the cutest and best mom when you have kids. I'm also such a cry baby too. Being pregnant doesn't help the emotional break downs either. I loved this post, thanks for sharing.

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  27. this was really fun to read about you! i can totally relate to a lot of these. I actually really love all these things about you.Remember what we talked about earlier, we all have our own timing. No need to feel rushed because of other people's schedules! :) xoxo

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